I know I've done things that are sins. I have been through far too much, but I don't need the extra mental things tonight.

I keep pushing, and pulling at God. And running away and towards, over and over. I'm overwhelmed about the future, and my past is in the way.

I feel like two people!

15 months ago I claimed I was running towards God. Now, I don't even know what direction to take. I'm confused, lost, and desperate for answers. Yet, I'm bitter towards God for allowing others to take advantage of me!!!!! I'm hurt.

Tonight I lay down, and my thoughts start to spiral down. I scream into my pillow. And then write this post, desperate to get it out without doing something stupid.

I'm at a crossroads, to stay in grad school or to work for awhile. And I don't know what to do!!!!! And God is silent. And I feel judged. He has more compassion than I do. Yet I don't believe that, because I've sinned.

I'm in this pit, doing everything but climbing up the ladder that God is holding, because I don't see the ladder, or I want to do it my way. How can I reach up, when I can't see an inch in front of me. I need light. He has it, but I can't see the light.

I've felt like I'm past the point of return, even if deep down I know that I can always return. I'm just so miserable!!!!!! Did I even change, or am I just two people!?

Then the air comes out of the vent, and I feel the wetness of my pillow. Can I forgive myself? Can I forgive God? Can I reach out for help to move forward?