hi meccorad... what i get from it is that you are doing your best to face and deal with your real thoughts and feelings about everything... everything... and that, imo, is a good thing...

when i look back now, what i didnt realize then, or appreciate enuf, is the truth that life is a growing process... a process of 'becoming' .... becoming who and what we are...

thats why it was so hard for me to make a career choice.... i didnt know what i was going to become in 10 , 20, 50 years....

an income is important, and a better one is a good thing... money isnt happiness, but it can be security, and security is peace of mind....

whatever you do, try to remember that there are always options and ways back to the main course... if you can, at least see future you as someone healthy and vibrant, and work towards that 'general' goal... its a big choice that will guide the following choices you might make for yourself...

best wishes to you always...