Dear puzzclar,

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this dark night of the soul. I wish I knew what to say that would help. Your post reminds of many of the Psalms in the Bible where the conflicting thoughts and feelings of persons who are suffering are expressed directly and honestly and without any censoring. They also remind me of the some of the words of Jesus in Gethsemane and on the Cross. Your words also echo so many of the words of Job. It is heartbreaking that you are suffering. I wish I knew how to ease the pain your are experiencing. I think you are a very good and heroic person. So very, very sorry I could not be helpful to you. Hopefully others here will have better words for you than my poor words.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen