Dear Quality21,

I kind of felt the same way about therapy as you express in your post. Something called "cognitive therapy" helped me enormously in spite of my deep skepticism.

Cognitive therapy came about when psychologists noticed that "feeling bad" did not always connect to what was happening in a person's life. People living in Third World countries in situations of extreme poverty, loss, ill health, failure and misfortune were often found to be generally happy people and at peace. People with more enviable situations were often found to be absolutely miserable.

The question was how to account for this. It would seem that the luckiest and most successful people should be the happiest and the most unfortunate people in the world should be miserable. But this was not the case. So what was difference?

The psychologists looked at many different factors and then made an interesting discovery. People generally look at things from a point of view, a perspective. And the perspective "affects" how they see things.

Many people tend to look at themselves, their lives, other people and things in general from a perspective that could be called "could be better but isn't better." And it is true that I could be better, other people could be better, my life in general could be better, things and events in the world could be better, but are not better."

But this "way of looking" at things tends to engender very definite feelings and moods: disappointment, anger, frustration, sadness, stress. It would be strange if this way of looking at things did not produce these kinds of feelings.

Happier people do not necessarily have less failures and misfortunes than unhappy people. But they do have a different point of view. Happier people tend to look at themselves, at their lives, at others and the world in general from this point of view: "could be worse but isn't worse." And that tends to make them feel lucky or happy or at peace.

I could be trapped in a burning building but am not. I could be lost in a vast desert without water, but I am not. I could be completely paralyzed but I am not. Perhaps I have failed at things in school, at work, in my career, in relationships. But I have not failed in the way that a person in prison has failed. I have not failed as a genocidal dictator who killed millions of people has failed.

The psychologists discovered that those people dominated by a "could be better but isn't better attitude" were almost constantly in stress and distress. The "could be better but isn't better" attitude was depressogenic, tending to cause depression.

So while it is true that a therapist cannot magically change everything in a person or person's life and make it suddenly great and glorious, it is possible that a therapist can help a person to be less stressed, less distressed, less angry, sad, disappointed and so on.

If one could instantly change from being a "could be better but isn't better" type of person to a "could be worse but isn't worse type of person," then there would be no use in therapy. But unfortunately, changing a basic attitude that has been built from childhood cannot be done so easily or quickly.

I was very, very doubtful . . . extremely doubtful . . . that therapy was going to be able to do me any good since it would not change my weaknesses, my misfortunes, my obstacles, my failures, my losses and so on. But luckily therapy did not have to do that to give me more peace and less stress and distress in my life. It gave me back an ability to experience the joy of life. Additionally, therapists were able to help me solve some practical problems too by looking at them with a new set of eyes.

I don't know if therapy would help you. Who can say? But if you are in a state of stress and distress and feeling hopeless, perhaps it is something worth trying. I don't know.

I do hope that you find something that helps you because it is always heartbreaking when someone is suffering. Whether it is therapy or something else, I sincerely hope you find something helpful to you. You certainly deserve a life where you can have a deep sense of inner peace and be able to experience real joy of living.

My deepest apologies if my words have not been helpful to you. It is difficult to know what to say to someone that will be helpful. And it is so easy to fall into saying things that are not helpful or which make someone feel worse. Hopefully others here, those with more knowledge, experience and wisdom will see your post and respond to it with more helpful words that my poor and pathetic words.

I wish you only the very, very best in your continuing life journey. I think you are very heroic!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen