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chaotic13 said:
Does he think this is related to your past trauma?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yes, he says I am stuck in the freeze or flight reaction to trauma and I need to do the fight response to process this. He says this is a general principle--the fight response helps people process trauma. So even by "faking" the fight part by mock-cussing, etc., it might activate something in my brain that helps me process the trauma. I think that's the theory anyway.

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Do you really think you are not angry when your husband say the things he says?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I have no idea. Part of what he says just causes me deep anxiety. And when I hear his frustration, I want to "fix" it and make it go away (this is what T says I should not be doing--taking on his c**p). If I reacted with anger, would that help anything? It would just set us back. T says not to react with anger to H's face as that would be detrimental. Wait until I am alone and then have my angry outburst and boundary setting moment. We are trying to do a divorce settlement which is very complicated and my future livelihood is at stake. I just can't go yelling at someone and screwing up our negotiations. Plus, I don't yell anyway. It is not me. But I have to talk carefully or I will %#@&#! off my H--there have always been repercussions for that. This time the possible repercussions are huge, so I need to be very careful.

By the way, I asked T yesterday if I was not "normal" because I reacted this way. And he said, no, it is very common and a good survival mechanism--freeze or flee when in danger. He said it has allowed me to survive this long and also endure 20 years of a painful marriage. But I'm getting out of the marriage, so it is time to move on with my freeze/flee responses too. So it is me who considers myself to be not normal, not my T. He is always very reassuring when I suggest that I am abnormal (has happened quite a few times!).

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ECHOES wrote:
I'm wondering, since this is all being connected, if your interest in NVC is also a desire for NVC from H.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">ECHOES, I would love it if everyone had NVC training, including H. I first encountered NVC in workplace training so that was my initial use for it. Then I found it worked sometimes with my kids too. I tried it once with H and it failed miserably! But I'm not very skilled yet. According to the trainers I have heard, it is not necessary for both people to have NVC training in order for it to work in an interaction. I can't imagine my H ever being interested in learning NVC, because it involves empathy and a desire to know and meet others' needs. My H is a profound narcissist, which does not allow for empathy or a desire to meet anyone's needs but his own. But he may be able to respond to my use of NVC. It may be less triggering for him. I don't know. It's an experiment, and unfortunately right now I don't have time to take more training, so my NVC skills are minimal. Maybe later....