There's a concept called emotional/covert incest, a parent/child dynamic doesn't have to be overtly incestuous to be emotionally exploitative. Because you've mentioned feeling disgust towards your mother and you're questioning is it her/is it me, I'm guessing you might find this topic relatable.

Actually here's an article from this very same website which might be a starting point: Emotional Incest: When Is Close Too Close?

But if you do some research, there is a lot of other reading available on the topic.


I was raised into this dynamic and I relate to the feeling of repulsion to my mother mixed with guilt for feeling repulsion. I do struggle with intimacy in relationships too. I've found it was best for my sanity to minimize contact with my parents and focus on my own emotional wellbeing.