Hi,

I have been in therapy on and off. I currently have an appointment tomorrow. Anyway in 2017, I had a lot of suicide ideation going on and currently on and off. I ended up in placement and then the state hospital. I didn’t find any of it helpful. I also have a history of being inconsistent with meds when I am on them. I am not on any right now.

TriggerIn 2018, my mom threatened to call the cops on me after finding some suicide notes in one of my note books. So I went to the hospital reluctantly and manipulated the staff and got released. I basically said I get suicide ideation on and off and that I also had a safety plan. Though I never followed it. My mom was upset and said “you think this is funny.” Cause I had a smile on myself.

I can’t count how many times I had to go to the hospital. Trigger Since I had placement that one time I have always downplayed or manipulated staff about my suicide ideation.

People have a tendency to overreact if I bring it up. That is why I don’t talk about it. And I felt that placement was more of a punishment. Logically I know others see it as just a safety thing, but I don’t see or feel it to be that way.
Like when you were a kid and done something bad. That is what it feels like to me and it makes me bitter. Anyone feel this way of placement?

Why would I do this? Does anyone else do this? Trigger And any safety plan I have had I never followed, I never reached out to anyone. And now if I have suicide ideation I still don’t reach out.