Penny, I am so very sorry to hear that you are having to go through this. I lost someone close to me not too long ago and the only word I can use to describe is hell... pure hell. I found that sqrl is on the right track. Everytime I fought the pain, it always managed to erupt like a twisted volcano. Letting the pain flow may bot be the thing for you, but it's something to think about. My hugs, thoughts and prayers are with you if it's ok.

ryan