I am also just 50. And I probably was going to write this post.

I have a pretty new boss and I am 3 years in and, it appears, to me, he has fallen out of "like" with me. You see the pained look on his face when I make a joke... my xmas gift comes late and is crap. We hardly talk anymore. I suppose I should be glad he keeps me as an employee.

I absolutely know how you feel about family. I cannot depend on them for anything and I would rather die than ask, but even if I did ask, they would make whatever difficult. One time I was stranded when the trains went down. Do you know what I did, I took a taxi. At a cost of $120.00. I make decisions now telegraphing if there will be protections in case of a flat tire etc. One reason I have stopped traveling as I don't know what would happen if I got sick or stranded.

When I was in my twenties I got stranded by a freak snow storm a few states away. I asked my parents to come get me when the storm was over as I had no shovel and No change of clothing - the answer... NO. Shocking but they were older at the time. Ok,. I will just ask the friend I had come down there to see if she could bring me a shovel -- the answer. NO!. I mean that is just decency right? I ended up getting back on the road due to the melting of snow and the kindness of strangers who saw me out with no shovel trying to clear off my car. I thought, if you were my friend, you wouldn't give me that.

I was in a hotel and I had to pay for three extra days due to the delay.

I make every decision carefully. I don't eat food that could cause a trip to the ER. I walk down the stairs carefully. I take zero chances on the ice. People have always felt free to say "no" to me -- even when I was sure that society rules demanded that they say ok.

Recently I had a colonoscopy and I am happy to say I asked a work friend who I thought would say yes and she did. She did what was necessary. I sent her a gift in appreciation.

But even still... when we retuned to my home I thought she might stay for a bit, nope, she dropped me off and was out in a flash.

I bought the place that I live with an eye toward people coming to visit me, staying over if necessary, but no one has ever done so. I have an extra room with a bed that has never been used. No one ever comes to see me. Ever. I know my neighbors notice this and I get excited when anyone comes that can be perceived as a visitor.

But no real people.

I feel like there are reasons, of course there are reasons, but I am not changing them. People don't worry about me because I never give them reason to. If I was a drama queen always ending up in jail or needing a toe or *expecting them to be there* they would be more involved. My boss probably doesn't like me because I do not want to "play the game" --ie, pretend people that I work with are close friends... and I stubbornly have tried to keep relationships professional, and that harshes his glow.

When you are strong and independent people just assume you are all set. You don't give them anything to care about... but still feels like a very lonely place to be.