His personality was just super easy going. Nightly, he was a musician in a nightclub and my mom sat in the lounge while he played. So... I didn’t have that much parenting, and I didn’t give them anything to discipline me for.

Your step son being ten and a kid who acts out is different.

I’d think the step parent would defer to the parent. The parent sets the rules for the child. Say the step parent is left alone to watch the child, and he acts out. Of course you are only going to take so much. I’d think you would make up with his mother what you should do, or arrange that she deals with her son when she gets home.

There were times where I saw other moms trying to discipline other moms’ children during play, even when the mothers were there. I thought that crossed a boundary. It’s an unspoken rule that it’s nobody’s place to discipline your kid but yours.

I also think positive reinforcement works best and everyone feels good rather than punished. IDK if your step son has a real behavior problem and possible disorder. If you and your wife can’t get him under control to be reasonable after more united effort, you can discuss it with his pediatrician and maybe take him to a specialist for testing or therapist.

Hang in there! You sound like a good, caring dad.

I also sounds like your ex, the mother of your natural children, was very domineering with the child raising. Did you feel left out then?