I feel a sense of guilt for being with my T for three years. I think most of his other clients are short-term. Before the pandemic, when I used to go f2f, I used to see the client before me come out and at the end of my session, the client after me coming in. Some were there for a few months at most, but that was it. I got it into my head that T must be getting bored and tired of me and my problems (which he doesn’t consider that bad anyway). I used to ask if it’s ok that I’ve been seeing him for so long and that I’m not planning on ending anytime soon, and he always used to say “of course it’s ok!” in an encouraging sort of way. He always said it’s my choice, that I can end whenever I want etc. He never made me feel pressured to leave. He never made me feel weird for still going once a week after three years. He just acts as if it’s normal, which I guess it is.

Over time, the feeling of guilt eased a little. I also used to ask myself, what if he has a waiting list of people with more serious problems than me? But I think I got to a point where I’m now more secure in my need. Being functional and apparently ok are not reasons to not go to therapy if you feel like you should. I’m dealing with issues from my childhood, so T said it often takes a long time to work through them. Sometimes, when we have “lighter” sessions, I worry that maybe I’m just chatting and being there for human company, not therapy (and I worry that I’m wasting his time etc). But then there are heavy, meaningful, complicated sessions which made me realise that I still have work to do and that’s ok. The lighter sessions are like swimming and coming up for air before plunging into the deep again.

Anyway, I agree with the person who said that therapy is like going to the gym: you don’t need to have a “valid” excuse to go as long as you can afford it and T is willing. As long as you feel like you’re gaining something, that’s all that matters.