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chihirochild · Nov 20, 2020, 08:01 AM

Possible trigger:

I told T about an erotic fantasy I had about him, the only explicitly erotic fantasy I've ever had about him, actually. He was trying to be gentle but it was awful. Now I feel so so so bad and dirty, especially since the fantasy relates to creepiness that happened with my dad.

The date last night went fine. While he was walking me home, the guy asked if he could kiss me goodnight and I said that it would be OK if we weren't in the middle of COVID but b/c if COVID I had to say "not yet." He was good about it. Though... I dunno, maybe I shouldn't say this here... TW for issues of health and weight:

Possible trigger:

he's quite overweight and was like seriously out of breath after walking the 15 minute flat city walk to my house even though he is in his early 30s and I just... I dunno. My friends who have seen pictures say that I can do so much better than him and I don't think I can imagine wanting to like engage sexually with him but it's hard because I feel so ugly and crazy that maybe this is just the kind of thing I have to put up with I dunno.