My brother is going through a nasty divorce. They have two kids, 15 and 12. The kids are going back and forth between the parents' homes every few days. They have very little stability. And the parenting is, well, my brother is very angry, and I can see that anger and frustrating being directed at his sons. The mother is unstable. I don't know what exactly is going on with her, but she is highly manipulative and emotionally abusive.

The eldest son, my nephew, is having severe anger issues. My brother had mentioned this to me previously. With COVID and being shipped every few days between his parents' homes, he doesn't have any time to process anything and he feels like a pawn for his parents. They also come down on him because he's feeling angry and acting out. His grades slip so they come down on him harder, take away his electronics and stuff, and he gets angrier. His girlfriend's mom made them cut off contact too because her grades were slipping too.

My brother thought maybe if they get a dog again that it might help my nephew with emotional support. So my retired service dog is working this weekend, I just got home from taking him over there, and my nephew was petting him and cuddling him and taking emotional support. It's just a weekend "loan" of a dog who is very good at emotional support.

When I got there tonight I saw the marks on my nephew's arm, and I knew what they were immediately, He'd been self-harming. I told my brother I wanted to talk alone to him because I understand what he's going through in a way he and the mom don't. He agreed, but even then he lectured my nephew to sit and talk to me while he and the younger nephew go to the store. That was frustrating for me because what I see is that every time he's feeling upset or angry about what's happening to him, he's getting punished and forced into further isolation which compounds the problem, not solves it. And with COVID the isolation is even worse.

So I spent some time talking to my nephew alone for like an hour. We talked about why he was harming himself and what he was feeling. I asked him about his therapist and what support he's getting. It's not enough. Also, his parents want to control all of it, so he doesn't feel like he can say what he needs to confidentially, to a trusted person. I don't know if it's true, but it's what he perceives is true. He's also on a medication, and the second he harmed, his mom called the pdoc and had the medication increased. I'm disgusted and shocked. First of all, I suspect that he's having a reaction to that particular medication, because it's the same one I had a reaction to, plus it's known to have these reactions. PLUS HE'S A KID going through trauma. An AD might not be the best choice versus therapy. And if the kid gets worse after you start meds...um, maybe the meds are making it worse? Also his dad, my brother, does his teletherapy at home, and even though he's in his room, my nephew hears the whole thing, and it's upsetting to him. Sigh...

So we talked about what my nephew wants out of life. We made a plan together and an agreement if he feels like harming himself all the things he can do and will do before he does that, and then he will call me before he does that. I'm going to try and get the parents to let him come stay with me for a day or two and just decompress. The whole environment is hostile. I know my brother doesn't mean it to be. They really need family therapy.

I'm trying to find a teen group for my nephew. I'm just shocked at how controlling his parents want to be, and no wonder he is getting worse. He also doesn't trust his T because his T told his dad that he wasn't participating and my brother/the dad came down on him for not doing better in therapy. WTF.

My nephew and I agreed that I would talk to his dad about him staying with me for a few days or coming to visit to get some space, and about my brother doing therapy in the house so that he can't hear him and get upset, and asking about changing the meds.

When we were finished talking, my nephew said to me "I trust you." I don't think he really trusts anyone much right now. He also seems really mature for 15, and to me, that speaks of him witnessing a lot of stuff that he probably shouldn't.

His parents are freaking out because he gets angry and gets aggressive and even violent when he's angry. But I think it's because he's not really allowed to feel his anger. So he holds it in until he bursts. They are afraid of him. He said in a dark way it's probably good. I asked him to tell me about that, and he said that if they are afraid of him they won't hurt him. And I responded, yes, but then they don't trust you if they are afraid of you and you can't be close. He admitted that he wants to at least be close to his little brother.

So my job now is to broach the subject with my brother without him feeling attacked.

My training is in patient advocacy and as a peer support specialist. I have manned crisis lines and talked people through suicidal urges and self harm urges. I don't want to overstep, but I can tell what's serving for "treatment" right now is more like "punishment" and you can't "punish" depression or ADHD out of a kid.

I'm also horrified that they are controlling his therapy the way they are. He's 15. He deserves a safe space.

He said he liked his youth group at church, but he feels like the adult leader is in cahoots with his parents. I am hoping I can find him some version of a NAMI peer support group.

i would appreciate any advice to help my nephew.