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seesaw · Nov 21, 2020 at 12:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBMK

That's rough. Do take care of yourself. Do you think there could be any positives to them spending some time with their grandmother? It does seem a strange thing to do under the circumstances, and could be really dangerous for her!
It sounds like a really complicated and painful situation.
It sounds like you get on fairly well with your brother too? You said the boy's mother is emotionally abusive. Do you think your brother and his kid's are being abused? It's just usually the case that family/couples therapy isn't effective when there is an abusive dynamic. If she isn't getting any help for herself, and it's affecting the rest of the family very badly, it could be the case that only distancing from her will make things better. That's not always something you can promote easily either. If this is the case, I would really take care with what you say to, and about her. It could actually be a good thing that she is scared of your nephew.
In my experience abusers do not have healthy shame. They do not respect people. They see people as objects that are either useful, problematic (solveable), or best avoided. If she is pushing her son away rather than using him or "solving" him, then that is actually the most positive option, unfortunately. This might all be way off base...I hope so, but guess not

My brother has been diagnosed with PTSD from the abuse, although on the spectrum I think it's mild PTSD (as compared to mine which is debilitating and severe), but I can still see how my brother's processing of his PTSD is somewhat abusive to the kids. He's very angry too, and acts very angry. He's also being somewhat controlling as well.

I don't think there is any physical abuse going on, but there is loads of emotional abuse and childhood emotional neglect. My brother is in therapy, I believe the ex-wife/mom is too, but I don't think it's useful when there is this abuse dynamic. I think the ex-wife/mom has a personality disorder (it wouldn't surprise me that my brother married her because our mom has BPD, although it's much milder in her older age now), and our bio-father has NPD.

What I witnessed last night was literally like a scene out of my own very screwed up childhood. I actually managed to stay okay throughout all of it, but when I left the emotional toll definitely took over for a bit.

I agree with you about being careful what I say about the mom. I don't want to be seen as festering some kind of alienation from her (although he's already alienated). My goal is to help my nephew be as healthy as possible and for them to have healthy relationships. But the communication is just so damn dysfunctional over there. It's actually incredible to me - I feel like, you know, I had a full mental break, and now disabled with cPTSD and other disorders, but my communication and self care is so much healthier than theirs. But they are also in the middle of it, and they aren't having enough awareness to be mindful of how they are being in the middle of it.

What I'm most concerned about is that she hops on the phone and gets the pdoc to increase the anti-depressant dose at the drop of a hat, without the pdoc seeing my nephew. Frankly, as a patient advocate and a family/peer support specialist, I'm concerned I might be in the realm of needing to report this per mandatory reporting laws. I need to talk to a colleague who has done more social work with kids (I don't typically work a lot with kids/teens) and get some perspective. I've conferred with someone else on the medication issue (someone knowledgeable) and they are also concerned.