ASD is notoriously difficult on a dx basis in adulthood, my own was on the back of an overwhelm breakdown where I regressed significantly compared to my baseline functionality. In terms of empathy, I could not say I particularly have this myself... what I have is the experience of living in a neurotypical world, and with that comes the 'rights and wrongs' of human interaction. After many years of my early adult life where I was confused and a bit confrontational when it came to getting things wrong, I now have a healthy relationship with my wife since the dx has been established and I no longer have a barrier of asking (someone close to me) if I should say/observe this or that... or just keep my big gob shut.

I know a couple of family members/friends of the family where it is suspected they have ASD, but it hasn't impacted their lives to such a degree where a formal diagnosis would be sought. With respect to this, ASD is not always a detrimental thing for many, and can in fact be a positive attribute in everyday life and success.

Fuzzy, I'm not saying your partner has ASD, I don't know him and I am not qualified to dx anyone... it's just that now I was dx, I've had the fortune of being acquainted with a community of fellow autists and I guess I'm approaching this from the experience that I have as someone on the spectrum.

With regards to FOO as you put it, I can only sympathize with how negative reinforcement can have such an impact on our continual mental health. I just hope you find the peace to live in the present and try to focus less on the harmful experiences of the past.