Life can be so tough. I've lost sight of the light before too. I'm glad I survived suicidal depression, and got to meet some amazing people and do some awesome things that I would never have imagined doing.
There isn't an easy or quick way out of despair. Sometimes I think that that getting lost is a good way to actually find yourself too, and find your own path. I know it's scary, but sometimes you do just have to explore a little to find the things that are missing from your life.
It doesn't have to be big things, but even just exploring ideas, like the idea of success.
You are probably having lots of successes every day. I know from personal experience, that if you have been motivated by stress for a long time, and been managing crises, it's hard to shift to being motivated by excitement, and the day to day stuff can seem really mundane.
You don't have to take any of this to heart, of course, it's just ideas. I know what you mean about testing fears/hypotheses too...it sounds like you've been undermined. If you're focused on impending crises, there's nothing wrong with that per se, but it can get you a bit paralyzed.
Do you feel like there is no hope in the whole world?