Dear darkfeary,
I am so terribly, terribly sorry you are suffering. How utterly heartbreaking. Just heartbreaking! I wish I knew what to say to help ease the pain you experience or give you a happy life, but sadly I am at a loss. Please call a crisis hotline if you are having self-destructive thoughts. Or go to a hospital emergency department. No one here would want to see anything bad happen to you. I think you are very heroic to be enduring the terrible burdens that are pressing down upon you from every side. I feel bad that I don't know what to say that would help you. Hopefully others here will have better words for you than my poor words.
Sincerely yours, Yao Wen