I'm back to sleeping outside as of May 1st. The shelter is closed for the summer now and won't reopen until October 1st. At first I was very anxious, but now in a way it's kind of fun and exciting. Depressing too. But still, it's a little more freedom...it's going to bed with the moon and waking in the sun...it's being able to stay "out" late and not having to worry about being to shelter by the curfew.

I'm a little nervous about my health issues because of this. My body doesn't tolerate when I eat too much of certain things. It has been a problem for a while now. I'm not really in charge of what I eat--all my food comes from the shelter system. For the summer with the shelters closed I have to eat whatever I can get from the food pantry. It's hard.

My kidneys aren't working right and I've learned from eating what some of the foods are that are trigger foods. I can get chest pains and arrhythmias, my kidneys might hurt, I pee or I don't pee, I'll feel sick, and plenty more problems can arise. Trigger foods can be the most basic things so it's especially hard to set limits in my situation. Fruits, bananas and OJ, potatoes, tomato foods, peanuts and peanut butter...the list goes on and on it seems! I have problems with my blood sugar getting low--but it has been high in the past.

It's like a cycle. I've been having a lot of problems recently and I honestly don't expect this weekend to be very good. Physically or mentally!

I've been having PTSD problems relating to that "hot" guy I mentioned some time back. I started really reacting after he took me to the courthouse to check on a medical appointment. I react to the courthouse ever since I had that stalker. Long story short, he is reminding me more by his own behavior that he could in fact almost be a new stalker for me. I tried breaking away some, explaining what and why, that I need mental rest away from him, etc, but I can't keep him away from me. I don't want to have to try and get an order against him for reason of my mental health. He got way too attached to me. He even told me that he loves me and fell in love with me a long time ago--within a few weeks of us hanging out together!

I wish that I had more time to write half a book here tonight. I have to much to say! I really love you guys here--I think I can say that. PTSD has kept me really emotional and sometimes a little freaking out or a little paranoia. I think of you so much even though I've been so quiet. I think of all of you and DocJohn. I wish I could talk to you all when I'm out in the world having a crisis and not online. I have a cell phone, but I don't have any minutes on it right now so I can't email anyone from it. I miss that feature! LOL. Well, I better go. The library is about to close and this will be my last chance to use a bathroom until morning.