I have struggled with my eating all my life, but never felt I had an eating disorder.

Last night after dinner I was dying for some candy. So much so I almost went out and purchased some. The only thing that stopped me was potential embarrassment of my neighbors seeing that I went out to get candy. And of course, if I went all the way out to purchase something, no way was it just going to be a 200 calorie bar, it would be a bag -- that I probably would eat in an hour.

So I looked for a book on Binging... and I found "Brain over Binge" - I downloaded the audio book.

I was surprised to find that this woman was pretty much me. I have never thrown up (which she did) but I have binged my entire life like her AND it seems like it is somewhat a reaction to dieting.

It all started as a teenager. Probably in direct response to my mother. She had kept me on a diet most of my life and never allowed me too many treats. At the same time she fed my brother like crazy. Often making him 5 or 6 hamburgers. Some part of me was annoyed by that. Of course he had a big metabolism but to me it was favorite treatment. I remember sneaking food all the time. If he got a Pizza and didn't eat it all, I would steal a slice. But I remained thin due to my mother's rules. Exactly like the author of the book I decided to diet in my junior year not because I was fat, but because everyone else was doing it. This kicked off an endless cycle of dieting -- binging and gaining weight easily. Once I got the keys to freedom in my senior year, there was no turning back. I gained mass amounts of weight in college and every year since it is a diet, followed by gaining it back (due to binging)

I never really felt I was binging. I just felt that I was more hungry than my metabolism would allow for. So I felt I was eating normally.

I realized a part of my weight gain after a loss is that I probably do binge. But to me it never seemed like that.. it just seemed like I was returning to normal eating.. but.. it isn't normal.. in fact it is probably a reason that I gain it all back.

But reading this book I see this author has and had exactly the feelings that I do... like I am always hungry. And further, always hungry for sweets. This hunger never goes away.. I am, in fact, on an appetite suppressant pill right now, Phentermine.. and yet, I am still hungry after dinner?? !! Can it really be hunger? No it is an urge.

I couldn't finish the book last night but I am excited that maybe now that I can address this for what it is... I can get it under control.