My Support Forums - View Single Post - Should I Stay or End The Relationship W/ My First Love?

jc124 · 12:23 PM

So I’m new to this website; I just now joined because I’m once again staying up all night overthinking about my relationship. I love my boyfriend. We’ve been together for 6 months (which I know compared to a lot of people isn’t a big deal, but it’s the most serious relationship I’ve been in.) I’m a freshman in college. We’re both young. The first month or so of our relationship was not the greatest. He was not the greatest.

Possible trigger:

He took my virginity about 2-3 weeks in. I went into it wanting to do it and kind of excited. But in reality it did not go how I imagined it would at all. We both still live with our parents, so we waited til we went on a trip to the lake with our friends. I sort of thought we would find somewhere secluded in the woods or something once it started getting dark and it would be really sweet and romantic. But he was the one driving, and once we got on the road pointed out that neither of us knew the area at all so he didn’t know where to drive to. I agreed so we basically decided to just keep driving back towards home and see if we could find somewhere on the way. Already it wasn’t going how I imagined. We make it all the way back to our hometown and are driving around trying to find a place. This isn’t what I wanted at all. I didn’t want to lose my virginity in the back of of his car in a parking lot I drove by everyday in the town I grew up in. He kept giving me different options and I kept just saying “I don’t know” because I really didn’t want to do it in any of these places he was suggesting but I had made this plan and I wanted to go through with it. I could tell he was getting really frustrated with me and it made me 10x more anxious. Eventually he gives me the option between two different parking lots. I say I don’t care. We do it and it’s not the least bit romantic or sweet. The whole time he’s getting frustrated with me. I use the word frustrated and not mad cause he didn’t yell at me or make me feel like I was physically in danger or anything like that. He didn’t cuss at me or was outwardly exceptionally mean. But he wasn’t nice or sweet either. I could tell he was irritated. It hurt like hell. The parking lot is very well lit and I felt extremely uncomfortable and out in the open. He made me switch positions to something I wasn’t comfortable with and I quickly told him I can’t do that and make him switch back to the way we were originally doing it. After trying some more we decide to just stop. On the ride home he makes a joke about how I need more practice. I felt like complete ****. (Please keep in mind I never told him no, but I definitely felt pressured.)

Looking back on that now, I wonder if I should have dumped him right then and there. I think I’m a lot stronger now, and I feel confident that if I was put in that position today I would have told him to take me home and **** off the moment I first started feeling uncomfortable. But at the time I just sort of went with it and got over it. Or at least I thought I did til recently. A few weeks after that he also made a couple of inappropriate jokes about my best friend which I almost dumped him for. The only reason I didn’t was because we had many long talks about it and he showed true remorse and swore to me they were nothing more than jokes and he would never say anything like that ever again and told me how much I and our relationship meant to him and he didn’t want to mess it up like how he’s messed up in the past. A part of me thinks that forgiving him for both of these incidents was the best decision I’ve ever made. Even he has admitted that being with me has changed him immensely. Over these past few months I’ve watched him grow and try so hard to be the best he can for me every single day. We still argue sometimes, like every couple does, but overall things are good, great even. But when I’m alone at night with my thoughts I go back to those incidents we had towards the beginning and wonder if I made the right choice. I know that if a guy treated one of my friends like that I would promptly tell her to dump him, and maybe I should have. But now we’ve come so far that I don’t know if I see the point now. I really do see myself marrying him one day, but I worry I’m going to have these doubts forever. (P.S. I have brought up the stuff regarding how I feel about losing my virginity and he apologized and said he never wanted me to feel pressured by him and said that I should have just told him no and he wouldn’t have forced me to do anything. And now he makes a point to get consent and make sure I don’t feel like he’s pressuring me into doing anything sexual, always following everything by saying “only if you want to” and that kind of thing.) If you actually read all of this thank you so much I just really needed to get this off my chest to an outside third party.