called everyone...
called my dad, 2 days in a row, he didnt return call...
called grandma... no answer
called old friend from work.... no answer
called psych...no openings til feb 28
called primary doc, on vacation til feb 23
called psychiatrist...no appointments open
called sons' dad... doesnt care says i whine
called mom.... thinks im joking
called a client from work.... she was too manic to help
called a friend from here.... and i couldnt put him through same old story again.....
asked mom to watch kids so i could go "somewhere", she said no shes too tired
asked sons' dad to switch his weekend so i could do "something"
he said no cuz he thinks im self centered.
i bought beer to cope and now my kids think im an alcoholic....
i asked someone at work to go to lunch with me, they were too busy....
i went to my old job to try to talk to people, be around people.. theyre all too busy.
my pride is too big to say "hey guys... im depressed,and i am giving serious thought to suicide, can you please stay with me till this passes?!"
and nobody to watch my kids so i can go somewhere safe.
you dont know what its like...
to have to do it all on your own, to be a single mom with no help from anyone, to keep a home and keep the food coming in, and to work when the stress is overwhelming... to sit and hold the blade, and want to do it sooooo bad, but to know you cant... to know you have NO options.....
no options but to suffer through it all alone.
nothing eases the pain.
and time does not pass quick enough til this depressive episode ends.