Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv
Are there certain things you want to sit and quietly think about? Are there incidents in your past that you feel blocked emotionally where emotions would come flooding out if you took the time to think?
The ways you listed emotions being triggered are the ways they normally are. What else triggers emotions? Something happening to you, you doing something to someone? My feeling is that forcing yourself to feel emotions when you don’t feel them is off to me. You are likely suppressing emotions about the past you never expressed when it happened?
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When someone is kind to me, or concerned about me, or understanding/empathetic, I want to cry... Those are the same sorts of things I see in movies that make me want to cry. A supportive hug, someone does something good & everyone's proud of them, etc. Also, someone being hurt or sad, makes me want to cry for them.
Thing is - I think some of the things I'm suppressing emotions about are things I expressed when they happened, but there's just no way to express all that emotion. Like - My mom not only did not love me, but she actively worked to make my life miserable, and ruin my chances of happiness. If I was hurt, bleeding, etc, she would point and laugh, if that gives you any idea. Think the meanest of mean-girl behavior in school - that's what I got. Shunned, mocked, ostracized, physically injured. Trust me I cried oceans of tears over the years abt the 18 years of rejection, etc - but at some point you just have to say, this is what happened, and it's time to let it go. If I sit and think about that whole mess, I would feel sad. But why dwell on it? That's what I don't understand.
I think I am having a misunderstanding with my therapist. I think he thinks I don't allow sadness because I'm afraid of it. But sadness is pretty much the only emotion I feel. I just don't let it overwhelm me to the point where I cry, because I feel like that's unnecessary. I have done so, and when I did, I literally cried for a month, stopped eating, lost 15 lbs (not really a bad side effect, I guess, haha) and then had to just pry myself out of it bc I was worried about the effect it was going to have on my kid. I mean - I could just cry forever about the stuff that's happened to me in my life. But ....... why? What good does that do? it doesn't heal the wounds.
And now I'm all stressed out and afraid because I feel like I'm going to have to argue with my therapist, and that's going to annoy him bc therapists always seem like they think that they KNOW and don't really want to hear what I think about it.
Ah, fear how could I forget? These two emotions, fear and sadness, are all I have. I love my kid - I know I do - I just can't find the FEELINGS through the haze of fear and sadness.
I don't even know the purpose of all this, and sometimes feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time. (Which of course hearkens back to my mom, who informed me on a regular basis that I was a waste of space, so that when I hear the word 'waste' it reminds me of being told that I am a waste, which is one of my big fears - that I'm just a waste of everything, taking up space, no one wants me, etc. Now, see, that there makes me want to cry, lol. I don't understand the point of dredging up all that old junk just to feel sad about it when I've already felt sad about it before.)