Dear Faechild,

I am so sorry you suffer from fear of rejection. This is something that afflicts me too. Some self-help books on self-esteem help me the most although sometimes I still struggle.

Please allow me to offer you some food for thought . . .

You are someone absolutely unique. There has never before in all of time, history or eternity been anyone exactly like you. This absolute uniqueness is the basis of your inalienable dignity and worth. It is not something you "have." It is not something others can "give" you or "take away" from you. It is totally outside the realm of "having." It is your very being that has this dignity and worth. This is the fundamental basis of self-esteem.

Perhaps a crude analogy to this is the concept of royalty. If a boy, for example, is born into a royal family, he is a prince. His being a prince is not something he has to earn or prove. It is not something that is a matter of more or less. All the time he is alive, he is a prince. What others think of him is irrelevant. In his life he may suffer all kinds of losses and falls, big and small. But none of these can change the fact that he is always a prince. Whatever his talents or lack of talents, whatever his strengths or weaknesses, he is always a prince.

Self-esteem is like that and even more so since royalty is a social convention, while self-worth in intrinsic and ontological. Your value as a person is not like the value of a bag of groceries that goes up and down in value based on market conditions. You are a not a commodity. You are an absolutely unique human person with inalienable dignity and worth.

It sometimes happens in child rearing and teaching that for the sake of discipline, children are taught that their self-worth is "vulnerable" and in "in constant risk and jeopardy." If a child doesn't please an adult, the child may be given the impression that his worth and dignity have decreased or been lost. A child can grow up believing that his or her self-worth are vulnerable. But in fact, self-worth is invulnerable.

Unfortunately, we all tend to live on autopilot so to speak; barely consciously. We live on the surface of life and don't reflect very much or very deeply. Part of building self-esteem and overcoming the fear or rejection involve frequent remembrance that self-worth and dignity are intrinsic and inalienable. If a person has become accustomed to low self-esteem and fear of rejection by years of habit, this cannot be reversed simply by throwing a switch. There is no instant change in this area. To reverse long-standing beliefs one must struggle each day to become more and more aware of one's inalienable dignity as a person. It can take years to reach a healthy level or self-esteem. What is important is that one try and attempt to make progress.

Progress is not necessarily large or linear. Sometimes one can make a large stride but sometimes only baby steps towards the goal. Even baby steps are a heroic achievement when one is trying to better oneself. Even the desire to change is a huge step forward and heroic. Sometimes there will be setbacks and losses. Sometimes it is one step forward and three steps backwards. That is okay.

I think that it is possible for you to gradually come to the full awareness of your great dignity and worth in spite of the unwelcome obstacles in your path. Most people who "reject" you are unfortunately living barely conscious lives so if you can, please do not take their rejections too seriously. Most people do not know the entirety of who you are. They know some things, may 1/100,000th of who you are. So at most what they reject is not you, but their flawed over simplistic image of you.

I wish I knew what to say to be helpful to you, but sadly I lack the knowledge, experience and insight that would be necessary for me to be truly helpful. I hope others here will prove more helpful to you. You are a person of great stature and dignity and I wish you only the very best on your life journey.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen