Hey guys,

Hope you're all safe

I spend an inordinate amount of therapy time avoiding the hospital.

Suicide is something I have plans for on most days for 15 years with variously sized intermissions. Recently I thought of something that was not physical suicide, but "creative" suicide. My whole life is around people I love and my art. Without my art I am a shell of a human being. So the plan is to give up mentally. "Creative" suicide. Where I do nothing and slowly fade. The idea is it's a compromise, so as not to hurt family and friends. Although it likely would hurt them. Obviously this is not something I want. It's what my mind keeps telling me to do.

Also, I have struggled with self harm (haven't physically hurt myself in almost a year!) so this is some type of self-sabotage.

If it weren't covid maybe I'd surrender to the hospital. However, my mother is under so much stress already, we don't live in the same coutry and hospitals make it a hassle for us to communicate.

Even more alarming, I have loans coming up where repayment is due and struggling to find higher-paying work (while simultaneously struggling to care about my life in general). I'm worried about the pattern of finding and leaving jobs I've had in the past too.

Just wanted to put that out there in case any of you feel the same.