@guy1111, I understand. I see that you just really want to be a good father figure. It could be that this child is a bit jealous of you and sees you as competition for his mother's attention. His behavior could be showing his own way of trying to have a sense of control.

It's hard when we are children and have to go along with what adults want. We are always being judged and told what to do as children and there is a desire to have a sense of control for self. There is so much external in a child's world that affects them and they can carry challenging emotions inside them that they don't quite know what to do with. Their sense of identity is very fragile.

I had a doctor of child psychology bring her grandchild to my farm one day. This child was three years old and the grandmother pulled up in a jaguar and when she got out she was dressed as neat as a pin in very expensive clothes and she definitely had an air of deserving respect about her. She exuded the kind of presence where she is used to having the control and is an authority. I only knew she was a doctor, did not know what kind of doctor. I had my pony all ready and decorated and as always she was impressed and we put her grandaughter on and began to walk around my big riding ring. This woman had a presence and manner where I knew she was so used to controlling so I "serviced" that. As we walked around this woman began to order this child to sit up straight. I happen to have a lot of things to look at in this environment including a pond that is very active with wildlife, it's a bit of a sanctuary. And this child would get distracted as is the case with all children this age and this grandmother would constantly begin to bark orders "sit up, sit up" and as we went along this grandmother began to get impatient. Finally this grandmother gave up and asked me to take over, and that's what I had to wait for, that permission.

Once this woman asked me to take over, I stopped my pony and began to give THE CHILD the control. I asked her if she wanted to be a princess and her reply was a resounding yes!! So I explained to her what princesses do so that everyone knows they are a princess. I showed her how I looked all slunched over which is not a princess look, then, I showed her how I am upright and chest up, back straight which is what all princessed do. To that she responded right away to sitting up exactly what her grandmother kept ordering her to do, only this time it was not an order, instead it was about THE CHILD'S choice and who she wanted her identity to be.

After that we walked around and I chatted a bit with the grandmother and if I saw this child forget and get distracted and slouch, I just simply looked at her and asked "How is our princess doing?" And she immediately sat up nice like I showed her, to which I replied "oh yes such a pretty princess you are sitting so nice". What this grandmother did not even realize is that what I was doing was allowing the grandmother to have her identity while walking around and at the same time allowing this grandchild to have HER identity as well. That is really what my sanctuary is about that's the theme. That is something I worked very hard at creating over many years.

When I was finished that is when I found out what kind of doctor this woman was. And a colleague of hers had been standing and observing. This woman was a Dr. of child psychology and a college professor and an author. She began to empathically tell me how I am gifted and should seriously pursue a degree and practice working with children. Her colleague chimmed in with her as if what they watched me do was profound.

I replied, "I have already been working with children for YEARS". And their reply was "oh but you need to do this professionally". So while they were so emphatic and it was a big compliment coming from these very educated individuals who now were an authority, at the same time it wasn't. I did not even mention to either of these professionals with impressive titles that I was struggling with ptsd because what they both got a glimpse of was so badly invaded and destroyed I ended up having a post traumatic stress breakdown. This grandmother was older, it was clear she had surgery to keep her looking young and she really felt she had every right to be an authority. She saw something she considered profound, yet at the same time she did not REALLY see it. It was a reminder of how someone can have all these letters after their name and yet they can fail to SEE.

I held it together until they both left and I put my pony away and came in my house and sat and cried. The reason I cried is because when I lost so much that it broke me down, I did not even understand why I got so broken down, nor did I understand what a post traumatic stress breakdown was. And I ended up totally exhausted in a psych ward and the individuals with these letters decided what I was so upset about did NOT HAVE VALUE to warrent how I was so broken and emotional and mentally and physically exhausted.

I was not prepared to try to explain the severity of what was damaged so badly. And these professionals that came to my farm only noticed a very small part of a much bigger picture. This woman who spent years getting educated and had a phd and taught others saw what I always considered THE BASICS. The difference between barking orders like this woman was doing and getting frustrated and instead FIRST allowing the child to HAVE AN IDENTITY and working around that.

What that child will most likely remember of that day was how she got to be a PRINCESS and rode a pretty decorated pony. When I worked with children, which I did for many years, they each left me FEELING THEY HAD AN IDENTITY, they had gained something, and always felt EMPOWERED.
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"If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michaelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, "Here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well".

Martin Luther King Jr.
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The above message is about respecting one's IDENTITY guy. What I did was help each child develop their own sense of identity and at the same time respect THE IDENTITY of the pony that helped them learn. I did the same thing with each pony I spent so much time training, it's what made them understand, feel safe and be patient with all these different children I worked with. The only reason people think what I do is EASY is because they are watching me work with an animal I spent YEARS training so it feels SAFE and understands what is expected and how they will navigate.

It's unfortunate that many that have these letters decide that if something isn't important to THEM, then it's not important and should not have value. Often their letters contribute to their feeling they deserve to be an authority and can stand in judgement of and somehow be able to decide what has value and what does not. It's this type that would look down on a street sweeper who's life they valued was lost to them in some way, and the only way they might have some respect is if they themselves had to live that life and be that street sweeper.

It would not matter if this grandmother barked orders to sit up, sit up, sit up, or told this child you can sit up now or sit up later. What works better is what I did FIRST, by letting this child HAVE HER OWN IDENTITY.

This child you are dealing with had his own identity, and that's been changed. Behaviors tend to say this, even when the child doesn't quite know how to articulate it. By the time a child turns 7, they know a lot more than we realize, they have learned to navigate a certain way, often in ways we ourselves don't realize. When that changes the child can get angry, even defiant. And that can be towards a person they believe came in and changed their way of navigating, their fragile identity that they have lost.

Given that has happened with you, something you are trying to understand within yourself perhaps thats how you can see how this child is struggling in a very similar way.

Sometimes we can sit with our head in our hands, we feel very lost and overcome with emotions. I am sure you have experienced that yourself. Well, children can experience the same thing where they feel lost and don't know how to understand it much less explain it.

Now think about the street sweeper again, an individual who not only did his job but did it well. Is that not what children desire to, to be a child and learn to do well at it? To somehow have a sense of IDENTITY?