I was able to get away from controlling people a few years ago, and have been trying to re-discover the things that make ME happy. I've looked through old photos, and said, "Oh, gosh, I used to have that, I miss that, I'm going to do that again" and - why did I stop putting potpourri out? Because a controlling person didn't like it, even though I loved it, I stopped. Guess who has a house that smells really pretty all the time now? LOL, Me! So I'm trying, I think. I have a lifetime of people telling me I don't deserve anything good, and I've basically been trying to find anything I can to give myself over the past few years. I have noticed that odd thing about food. I eat it whether I like it or not. it's like it doesn't matter. I do like some foods, and think, while I'm eating them, that they taste nice. But other foods, while I'm eating, I'm thinking, "Why am I eating this?" "I don't even like it" --- It's strange.
I think I avoid anger, but I sort of sacrifice joy for peace and calm. It's like - you're at the fair, do you go on the roller coaster, which is a guaranteed RUSH and you'll scream and be laughing when you get off because it was so crazy and fun while being scary at the same time.... or do you ride the merry-go-round, because there's no danger, and it's nice, the music is nice, and you can see what's going on.. no laughter, no thrills, but also no fear or danger or adrenaline at all. I sometimes think, if I never see another drop of adrenaline in the rest of my life, I'll be happy!
Are you able to find ways to experience joy/anger now? How did you get there?