I can sympathize. I think one of the worst kinds of control is when your desires are constantly undermined to the point that you actually don't want what you want anymore
It's only been a few years since I've escaped control and abuse, and it's creeped back in a few times too.
It's been really up and down for me (feeling joy and anger) because I was using food and some substances compulsively, and struggling with compulsive behaviours.
I can definitely feel anger. Hypno helped me get a sense of control with it (would highly recommend a session of Hypno or EFT if you can get one). It's loads of different things that have helped together really. Trying different therapys, exercise....learning about boundaries and healthy ultimatums, too.
Playing music, music and dancing are things that have given me really mixed feelings because of painful associations but ultimately bring me joy!
It's up and down whether I can actually go there, as it's stressful. At the minute, talking to my therapist, and taking an antidepressant, are helping me keep my emotions alive, instead of shutting the curtains on everything. Helps to deal with the past, resolve inner conflict, and grieve for what was lost/taken away.
It's been my main focus for the last few years though (getting in touch with my feelings/dreams). It's really surprised me how much has come up...like I was actually estranged from myself.
I think that's why it's good to start with little things that make you happy, because it can feel a little bit like loosing yourself, so it's good to start at home, definitely, and feel safe and comfortable at home! I like that you have your potpourri now! It was a big thing for me having colours and candles in my home
So thinking maybe start with the merry-go-round, then work up to waltzers (you can always go back to the merry-go-round), and try the rollercoaster when you're ready for it, maybe! Haha, it's a lot