Oh my gosh, Sunflower, I believe you are on the right track, and your aspirations to let your heart be open and avoid punishing others are absolutely admirable.
Please do be patient with yourself. I have posted about my relationship struggles. It is four years since my seperation, and I am starting to feel like a genuine, healthy, loving relationship may actually be forming in my life!
It is joyful, and so scary. I talk to a therapist once a week now, and I still have such a capacity for defending myself with hostility...it doesn't come out, but I withdraw when the impulse rises up. It is so hard to face up to the depths of my distrust, and how I have come to misjudge innocent behaviour that trigger my defenses.
I would recommend that you let yourself be guarded to stay safe, and feel safe, and learn who really wins your trust, and listen to your heart healing and opening in its own time. I hope you can live with a strong and open heart! Those who deserve your love and trust will be patient with you. It's not a time to be pushed or rushed. Welcome to PC, big hugs