So I went back to my mom's yesterday because of an appt I had to take my mother to and because the Hospice nurse was coming to do the admission.

The admission visit took about 3 hours.

While the discharge coordinator at the hospital said that they were basing her admission into hospice on her diagnoses, the Hospice nurse said that 2 physicians had certified that she had no more than 6 months to live. My mother was, of course, horrified and also blindsided.

I did not and have not let sink in her expected life span. I have just been focused on all of the work and details to be taken care of regarding her continued care (appointment with Urologist yesterday and appointment with GI doctor coming up), organizing her meds, getting calls from everyone on the Hospice team...Just everything.

And my mother is lashing out at me. Has off and on for some time, but now it is relentless. It is so so hard to take... I know I shouldn't take it personally, but it hurts so bad. She's lost all control of her life and her body and needs to lash out at someone. She loves the particular care giver who was with her yesterday. She was super nice to her, a stranger (and she's new) and awful to me, her own daughter, who's been caring for her for years. It hurts so bad. I need to learn not to take it personally.

At some point, when the Hospice admissions nurse was there, after some 2 hours, after my mother lashed out at me for the inth time, I announced I needed to take a break, and went to another room. After some time, the nurse came and found me and comforted me, I cried, and explained why my mother is behaving the way she is. It was very kind of her, and she knows what she's talking about...

I will still need to coordinate her care to some extent, but the Hospice team will now be helping. A nurse will be coming every week to check on her. The admissions nurse said that myself or my brother should be there for each of those visits. That's hard when you work! I've already taken 3 days off of work this week. But hopefully my brother and I can take turns.

Some 4 years ago, when I moved to the same state where my brother and my mother live, my brother said he was 'bowing out' of her care. That's when I took over, and since then she has declined a great deal. But he has finally stepped up to the plate. I spoke with my cousin last night, told he and his family how surprised I was, and they said it was probably his wife (who's a lovely, lovely human being) who pushed him into it. But whatever the reason, he has stepped up and then some.

The cottage he's building on his land for her won't be ready for some 3 months. So he's going to put her in his oldest son's room, his son goes into the guest room, he's blowing out a wall to put in an accessible bathroom (she's only been doing sponge-baths for months, but the Hospice CNA, who will come in 3 days a week, will be able to carry her into the tub and truly bathe her and wash her hair). Anyway, that construction work should be done by Christmas. As I've said before, that means she will be 30 mins away from me, instead of 1.5 hours away from me, and I will be able to visit her much more often, including on about 2 weekdays, given my schedule, which is different every day.

Yesterday, when I went there to take my mom to her Urology appt and be there for the Hospice nurse, I brought my pill organizer and PRN's just in case something happened and I'd need to spend the night. I'm going to do this from now on, as long as she lives where she is now. I just cannot be without my meds.

Thanks to all who have read this long missive. And thank you for the support I have received here. It means a lot.