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LostOnTheTrail · 11:56 AM

Session today was really hard. I began by quoting the first stanza of David Whyte’s ‘Start Close In’.

Start close in
Don’t take the second step
Or the third
Start with the first thing, close in
The step you don’t want to take.

‘I can feel you have prepared for today.’ I replied that I hadn’t been able to prepare as I wanted, ‘because it is really hard to sit down and face this. I am so tired of being brave.’
‘You used that word then.’

R asked whether there was anything I needed from her in session, anything she could do. I promptly dissolved.
‘Try to stay with it, just stay there for a moment.’ I kept trying to explain, and crying. ‘It seems like there’s been a build up – holding things in for a long time.’
I confirmed that was the case, and then attempted to start several sentences, before giving in and saying ‘Sorry I’m talking gibberish.’

‘It’s not gibberish, and I can interpret.’ R said that Emotional Lost was very present today. I spoke about not being able to deal with surges well. R asked what it felt like. ‘I feel like a pan that is boiling over, but I can’t find the dial to turn it down.’ R offered an analogy: ‘The cooker you’re working on has an intellectual switch off. Once all the water has gone and evaporated, it switches off and becomes safe. It might take a while. It takes different times for different people.’

I continued to explain that I didn’t know where the feelings come from. ‘Emotional Lost is here today.’ ‘Professional Lost and Emotional Lost don’t mix.’ ‘That was Professional Lost talking. Emotional Lost is here now.’ Through tears, I put my thumb up.

‘You need to make friends with Emotional Lost.’ I put my thumb down.
‘I thought I might get that.’ R asked me whether I felt our sessions were the only place Emotional Lost ‘happened’. I dissolved again.

Session was the only place I felt safe to bring those big emotions, but so much has changed. Our conversation turned to me being back in survival mode. The life I am living right now is very similar to the one I created to ‘get through’ after Chris. ‘My life was becoming something that wasn’t about avoiding pain, and I am struggling to increase the size of my container.’

R drilled down a little further, and I confirmed that I was talking about pre-lockdown. She went on to offer that I try to remind myself this is temporary. We did some breathing focused on shoulders, and then the one hand on chest, one hand on stomach exercise. ‘I know this has been a difficult session. Please don’t beat yourself up about the way it went. Be kind to yourself for the rest of the day.’