Hullo Penny,
I think some emotions are so enormous, so titanic that we don't have the vocabulary or even the physical means to express them. Based on my experience, even crying hysterically, screaming, breaking things around my apartment, or crawling under the covers as if you're ready for the sepulchre yourself can't adequately express the degree that the kettle has come to the boil in your skull. I agree with sqrlb8: I'd just say you feel terribly ill and take the rest of the day and perhaps a few more off. If the tears do come, even in great heaving sobs, by all means let them. If they don't now, they will eventually, and only the cruelest of the cruel would judge you harshly even if this happened at work.

Whatever you do, don't berate yourself. You've survived a terrible trauma. Having been on the other side of this emotional coin -- an attempted suicide saved by the NYC EMS -- I can't help but feel pangs of guilt for people like you that I'd have left in similar shape.

If at all possible, as others have suggested, I wouldn't try to navigate these waters on your own, alone. I can almost palpably feel the ache of an empty space in your words. Please look for oarsmen and oarswomen to steer you through these treacherous currents. I'm betting that if you just started to tell someone, on the phone or better still face to face, the bottled-up emotions would begin to spill and some of this terrible pressure would ease.

If I can be of any help, online though I am, don't hesitate to PM. I can't guarantee a timely response, though, because of the neurological injuries from my car wreck. But I guarantee I will respond. I've gotten the feeling that a friendship (mutual) and at least some trust on your part is developing via our PMs.

But I really think this is a situation that calls for a flesh-and-blood hug from someone in your life. Maybe an all-night conversation. Maybe you could start in some positive way, such as a story about the best time you and your sister ever had together, or the time one of you made the other laugh the hardest. Right now, I know this sounds ridiculous, but if eventually you can sort the gems from the burning coals, and keep those gems of memory polished and bright, they'll help at least a little through dark times such as this.

I can't emphasize enough: Please let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do to offer you additional support. I've really grown to enjoy your letters and learning about who you are and the paths you've traveled.

Take care, luv. Cheshire Cat