I condamned my family
I needed medications, wasn't aware
Been asleep and lazy through my twenties and I deserve this nightmare but people around me don't. I wish I could give back life to them but i see this is part of the punishment for what i've been

I was offered tender sincere love when young by a guy, i rejected him to go after a bad one behaving like a cold *****
He waited for me i never tried to take him back
I stayed with the other one for three years without love. I gave my body and time to a person i wasn't in love with who criticized me and was rough (I was frustrated and bad too)
I was having problems with university, lied and eventually dropped out
Then i finally broke up but in the meanwhile possibly had some kind of psychiatric removal about leaving badly the first guy and I never tried to contact him
This happened from 21 to 25
At 25-26 i tried psychoteraphy but failed to talk sincerely about my life and didn't repair anything
From 28 to today i've been unemployed and isolated, childish but unable to fight back
When my father died to covid i browsed trough old memories for the first time after years of regression and found out about that guy
It was an original trauma and I got desperate per everything
In the last six years of disorders i looked for love with lost eyes and went through random dating and "casual sex", bad brief relationships
I am Virgin still because i have vaginismus. Tried therapy but failed to solve it
The guy i lost when Young was the only one who have looked at me with love in this life and I can't believe from here that we have been an entire life apart and are going to die like this with an unborn love
Sorry, i have been absent and crazy and careless
I partly blame the bad quality of psycotherapy i had in 2014 but that's it; i created this worst scenario

Trying to better explained my crazy story
Hell to liars, and i've been childish, lazy and fake

I knew about time but didn't fight

I hug my crying mother and close my eyes again unable to face the hopelessness

I am from humble working class family and destroyed everything.