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There is quite a lot behind my fears. Long story short I think the bottom line is that I've been missing out on social life for quite too long. I've been that weirdo with no social skills, the weak one you could step on whenever you wanted. Guys took advantage of it, firebombing my value for about a decade. The most important decade in person's personal development, unfortunately. Home situation made it even worse..
Now because of it men who show any sings strength or masculinity trigger me. I have to show them/people around that I’m one step higher. 95% of times I get it done but what life is that?
It’s like a drug, a temporary pleasure. I trust no one and I open up to no one because they wouldn’t get it and they would perceive me as weak. So even when I have some intimate encounters it’s more like an acting competition… that’s what f…. annoys me.
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