Hey there!
Lately I have been trying to work on my problems again and I came to the conclusion that I should probably start on my confidence.
Bought a few books on therapy interventions for patients with low self worth and self esteem issues because I have been struggling with that since I was a child.

Now I kind of realize how much conflict this problem is causing and how much harder it makes life for me. It keeps me in this position of feeling helpless and unfixable. Unloved even.

I got diagnosed with social anxiety(and other things but those are mostly theories) and have had depressive episodes differentiating in severity and duration.

For a long time now and after a many setbacks in the last years, I feel like I lost every bit of confidence that I had left.
I was bitter for short period last year. A feeling of being toxic and just utterly disgusting on the inside.
Kind of pulled myself out of that whole situation..but I still feel like that from time to time.

I have gotten so insecure that I feel like there is nothing in life where I dont feel anxious.
It has gotten to a point that I can't even talk to my family and friends anymore without feeling stupid, boring or insignificant.

I don't know who I am. I feel like nothing. Like I have no personality, opinion or desires.
Therapy would be good but I can't see a therapist for another two years( without paying for one out of pocket) which is why I want to find help in this forum.

I did not know where to post this but it seemed like the right place for it.

What should I do now? Or what can I do to improve my situation?

Thanks for all the help!