I do that a lot. Trying to find a reasonable excuse for every single thing that's happened. I thought if I can find a justifiable reason for everything, then it will make what happened better. But it doesn't, having a reason doesn't make things any less painful, or more acceptable.

But still I find myself defending my abusers. I find reasons for them why they behaved the way they did, and when I can't find a reason I blame myself.