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Originally Posted by NaoSky
I’ve been doing a little of both... but working on me is a challenge right now since I’m still going through this depression. I feel like it’s gotten a little better but it’s honestly hard to tell. I don’t focus on the past but my husband brought it up yesterday and started telling me everything I did to hurt him. I tried to tell him he’s told me it before but he almost shut down and said never mind. So I told him to tell me and he finally did. That’s when he also told me that he doesn’t know how to let it go and he feels like we are more like friends now. It breaks my heart because I know I hurt him and two I’m not sure if we can repair our marriage.... during the mania I filed for divorce but cancelled it when I started going through the depression. I know I confused him a lot and I know he’s scared. I just don’t know what to do to reassure him. But I also know I could go manic again and there are no guarantees with me.... it’s sad because if I had not turned on him I know he would have always been there for me with this stupid disorder. Now I’m stuck with awful consequences..... so ya it’s hard to work on myself when I’m still suffering and blaming myself for what happened... I didn’t even want to acknowledge it was a possibility that I had BD even though my mom has it. I even told them that BD doesn’t exist..... can people possibly let it go when we harm them with words or actions?
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I know how it feels to feel defeated when there are so many things out of your control, including your own actions. When depression takes over, it makes everything more difficult, more draining, more painful and life starts to feel less valuable. But you are worth the extra effort and in your own time, you will find new routines that work for you.
Your new routines may include limiting conversations that are draining for you. Your husband's feelings are important but not more important than your own. A healthy relationship does need understanding and compassion, but those needs to come from both involved. No matter what has happened in the past, there is no need to create blame on either side. The two of you will either make a decision to move passed it or you need more time.
There are consequences for our actions, but often people are willing to show compassion and understanding. Even if something you said or did had a negative impact, your positive actions could have a greater impact. You shouldn't blame yourself or your disorder. I've found that my disorder has been effective in helping me cope with life, but finding healthier coping methods may be in order. The more you practice these methods the more secure you will feel and you will have more control in mending your relationships.