My T helped me realize that this time each year I'm overcome with sadness...it's not new, how could I forget? I always cry and feel sad at this time for years...

Last year I had to stand up against an abusive superior and deal with the loss of a position, the year before that I was lonely because it was the first holiday away from all my friends and loved ones, the year before that I celebrated Christmas without a true place to call home...

...in my teenage years, I self-harmed and was self-destructive, and I didn't feel worthy of presents or holiday cheer...and then in elementary school, there were a few birthdays where after a big invite no one showed up because they were sick or celebrating the holidays with their families...

...and December is the season to be happy, happy, happy and be forced to socialize with relatives, and I was always the one relatives avoided or scrutinized (although I did have cousins to play with) and as I grew up I learned about how dysfunctional my relatives were and I was even more isolated.

So no wonder I've been a mess lately! And my T says its okay to feel sad and cry when I need to, and to know that I am not the only one feeling this way. We talked a lot about this and what I mentioned in my last thread, and she helped me feel so much better. I decided to treat myself to a nice sit-down lunch and a bottle of wine that's in the fridge.