R began today’s session by confirming that she had received my email. She said it came back to her late last night, when it was not an appropriate time to reply.
We spoke about my process regarding emails, and how the Critic always gets in first. R asked what the aftermath of the session was like. I confirmed that I felt shame, and felt deeply uncomfortable.
‘It is hard for me that so much of my life has become about managing grief.’ As I finished that sentence, I began to cry. R urged me to release it and let it out.
‘This shouldn’t be an every session thing!’
R said she understands – ‘This is talking therapy, and you want to talk…but sometimes the emotions need to come out first, and the words come later.’
I continued to cry for a few moments, and then said: ‘Professional Lost has a compassionate side, but it is nothing like the version of me you see.’
‘Emotional Lost.’ R offered that I could come up with a positive affirmation to use either in session after I have cried, or if I am crying on my own.
‘It has to be your words.’
‘I accept crying, and the aftermath as part of the process.’ I wrote it down, and R did the same.
She asked me whether I felt like I could access self-compassion, or whether it was more difficult for me to access self-compassion than compassion for others.
‘Stop dodging,’ I said to myself, ‘and just say ‘Yes.’’
I went on to say that self compassion felt more like something I borrowed. R asked where from, and I struggled to admit that it was from her.
R explained that when I am experiencing heightened emotions, it actually shuts off parts of the brain, so it makes sense that it is harder for me to self-soothe during those times.
‘After the surge has passed, and ideally before the Critic jumps in, use your affirmation. There are peaks and low points.’
R began today’s session by confirming that she had received my email. She said it came back to her late last night, when it was not an appropriate time to reply.
We spoke about my process regarding emails, and how the Critic always gets in first. R asked what the aftermath of the session was like. I confirmed that I felt shame, and felt deeply uncomfortable.
‘It is hard for me that so much of my life has become about managing grief.’ As I finished that sentence, I began to cry. R urged me to release it and let it out.
‘This shouldn’t be an every session thing!’
R said she understands – ‘This is talking therapy, and you want to talk…but sometimes the emotions need to come out first, and the words come later.’
I continued to cry for a few moments, and then said: ‘Professional Lost has a compassionate side, but it is nothing like the version of me you see.’
‘Emotional Lost.’ R offered that I could come up with a positive affirmation to use either in session after I have cried, or if I am crying on my own.
‘It has to be your words.’
‘I accept crying, and the aftermath as part of the process.’ I wrote it down, and R did the same.
She asked me whether I felt like I could access self-compassion, or whether it was more difficult for me to access self-compassion than compassion for others.
‘Stop dodging,’ I said to myself, ‘and just say ‘Yes.’’
I went on to say that self compassion felt more like something I borrowed. R asked where from, and I struggled to admit that it was from her.
R explained that when I am experiencing heightened emotions, it actually shuts off parts of the brain, so it makes sense that it is harder for me to self-soothe during those times.
‘After the surge has passed, and ideally before the Critic jumps in, use your affirmation. There are peaks and low points.’
I explained that I had been aware of peaks and lows with Chris’ illness, but with the abusive situation, it remained at peak intensity.
‘The experience with Chris was like being held.’
R said she could tell I was going somewhere intense, and she wanted to make sure that she left me safe. So we did some breathing, and confirmed our next two sessions.