I don’t love my (alcoholic) dad, haven’t for a long time but I do struggle with my lack of desire to even try and be friends with him; I know that probably doesn’t help him but honestly, in some ways I think it’s a form of emotional self defence on my part.
Unfortunately I feel I’ve taken on the judgmental attitude and resentment some of the rest of my family have, as I grew up with him being an alcoholic in denial (a virtual echo chamber, now I think about it. I literally never heard anyone refer to it as an illness while I was growing up). I do realise it’s more complicated now I’m older, so my attitude has softened a bit, but it’s still difficult to fully accept that it’s an illness, especially when he says things like “I just enjoy it too much to stop”.