I got this far: part of it really is "self-sabotage" but isn't really that....maybe more like a very valid way to protect myself from further negatives: I do not want to hope too much because if I lose hope again then it's harder to get back to try and hope again and try and do anything. So it's like I'm hanging on in this life by one thin rope or something, and I don't want to risk totally tearing the rope.

Like, if I somehow get myself to do the task, then I'll be faced with the issue of how I'll have to go through the same nightmare the next time and so on and so on and then I'll just have complete burnout.

So that's why I have this unidentified feeling. I noticed I can try and make a "pact" with it in that I present a plan to myself that takes into account the above issue.

Like I've just made one now that says "I do this task now, I get to use my emergency resources for a few hours to do it*. Then I can sleep all day, I can do whatever else I want, the other task I need to be done I can then break up in 3 parts for Saturday, Sunday, Monday morning. I can admit that it's ok to break it up in 3 parts whereas I used not to in the past. Because I understand I want to avoid any extra overload, burden, obligation for a few days at least. And hey. On Saturday I'll have some extra fun if I can try and work on the train for a change (I have to travel a bit, I do this once a year but never tried to work on my laptop on the train because I didn't even have the laptop last time). So this way it's not so unbearable and I almost got a full buy-in from myself for this plan or I did for a second before I lost it?... See more below.


So this idea for such plan stuff is nice. Though I think with these plans now I'm having an issue of there still being some doubt because I used positive thinking for so long and used to do the hope thing for so long, and used to tell myself for so long that I won't have to go on like this for long, I'll find some solution etc etc. And now it's really harder to trust the plans without the doubt. And THEN it does get to feel like self-sabotage but it still isn't really that. Because this doubt is very realistic and grounded infact and I have to admit to that.



(Yes right now I am trying to start on the task and have been trying "indirectly" for 2 hours lol. So have had this burden on me for 2 hours by now. Yeah, I got up 2 hours ago. Yeah it's dawn here.)




*: I did not use my emergency resources yesterday or use them in a crazy way anymore (I won't and can't anymore) and I rested some last night so I feel like I have the resources. I feel like I am okay with this.... but damn, doubt? What feeling is still in the way?