Dear meetlaw,

I am terribly sorry that you are suffering from this heavy burden. Although I am not in your shoes and wouldn't want to trespass on the absolute uniqueness of your experience, I think I do suffer something a bit similar to what you describe, at least the vague fear of being punished. People who do not suffer from these kinds of things have no idea how awful they can be. I think you are very heroic to be bearing such a heavy, heavy burden. At the same time I hope you find some relief from your suffering. My suffering in this area has eased somewhat and is not as bad as before. My apologies if my poor words are not helpful to you. Hopefully others here will prove more helpful to you!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen