I think I got the right diagnosis from the start, so in that sense I believe it. But at the same time it's hard to really accept it because there's always this lingering doubt that I might just be making it all up, and it might just go away if I forced myself a bit harder. Deep down I know that's not true but I can't get past the doubt. Especially when I'm between episodes it creeps in so easily.

I'm glad I got diagnosed but I wish it had happened much sooner. Maybe then I would be further along in my treatment now and I could have a life again. I've lost so many years to this that I can never get back, and it just drives me insane to think about all the things I could have done in that time. I feel like I've lost all of what should have been my best years. Now I just want to get stable so that I can move on and do something positive and productive again but unfortunately getting the right treatment is currently a huge fight with no end in sight that I can see. Even if I do get stable again my whole life is basically one big fight to try and compensate for all the lost time and achieve my goals in the little time that I do have. It feels very unfair to me.