Those who read the check-in thread will probably know that my mother has been suffering a long illness. She passed away at 11:59pm Thursday night.

I had been at here place for 2 weeks taking care of her.

Her death was a difficult one in some ways; it was wrenching. The fact that she has now passed away, that she is no longer, that I no longer have a mama is gut wrenching. I've been balling off and on since it happened.

I needed to call all of her friends yesterday to tell them. It was awful, but necessary, but I also received support again and again. My boss asked if it was okay that she let the team know, we're a close-knit group, I said yes, and have received wonderful communications from my closest friends there.

My brother has been the rock, comforting me when crying during the process, taking care of things such as the cemetery and memorial service. He had yet to cry when we all left late that night. I don't know if he has since. I hope he will be able to find peace with what has happened.

He also was very supportive of my need for sleep. As some of you know, lack of sleep is the absolute biggest trigger I have for going into Bipolar episodes. So I stayed in a local hotel. I would leave at around 11pm and come back at about 8:30am. But I was able to get some sleep with my night meds and the exhaustion of it all. My brother did not sleep. She needed morphine every 3 hours, then every 2, and Lorazepam every 4, then every 1 towards the end. We had 24/7 caregivers but my brother stayed up: he wanted to make sure it was done and done right. He never guilted me for staying in the hotel. The last night, we knew she was going, so I stayed until about 3, to be with her for her last hours and because we had to wait for the Hospice nurse to come and then the funeral home.

Hospice was extraordinary. Just absolutely amazing. She was in hospice for the last week and a half of her illness.

If you pray, I would appreciate prayers for my mom. I'm just not sure I believe in any sort of afterlife. I so desperately want to. I at least feel her with me, and yet the yawning chasm as well.

I'm crying now, must go.

Thank you guys so much for the support I have received during her illness, and also, frankly, during the difficult family dynamics that played out weeks and months before her sudden decline.