I think a lot depends on the generation @WovenGalaxy. The consumption of alcohol was more acceptible in my parent's generation for example. It's really understandable that you have these complex feelings you describe about your father.

Actually, what I learned about is how statistically the marriage ends in divorce after a period of a spouses sobriety. This is due to how the nondrinking spouse does CARE about the alcoholic spouse and once they feel their spouse is gaining they finally feel confident enough to walk away.

What you have shared is common in that "often" the parent who is alcoholic is not emotionally available to their child/spouse. This disease itself is consuming and the alcoholic tends to be very self absorbed.

That being said it's very complex in that often there is an underlying personality disorder as well. Or, some other mental health issue where at first the alcohol is used an escape or self medicating coping method.

I know that for myself, I had to learn that my husband's emotional maturity level was around the age of 13 when he began using alcohol. I was told he would push my buttons to mother him and that I would have to resist these buttons.

What is hard for the child of the alcoholic is that without knowing it they become codependents where they often parent the parent who is alcohol dependent. They are also encouraged to be enablers not even knowing what that means.