I was diagnosed in 2009, but it's only really this year I've moved into acceptance of my illness and started using professional help and tools such as regular medication. Lately I've felt things were going to be okay in the long run, that I could get my life back on track, maybe do some work training, start driving again, get freedoms back that I willingly gave up when I had my last episode as preventive measures from doing anymore damage.

Today it feels like bipolar is forever. I've had 5 months of stability for the first time in years and tonight things feel like they're shifting. Right before Christmas. Of course.

I live with my parents but am in my thirties. I am trying to be patient with the cards I've been dealt when it comes to my mental health and most days since moving back home 5 months ago I do pretty okay.

Today is not one of those days. I just feel like things will only get worse again, and the people I care about will react to hypo mania as if it's full blown mania and pull away when I need help the most. I have all kinds of agreements with my mom to help me, a financial plan and a mania plan, a depression plan and a mediation plan. I limit my social interactions drastically to reduce stress. Today it just feels like it's not enough, that it will never be enough.

I'm having trouble sleeping tonight even with my emergency zopliclone (which has always worked when I needed it). Sleep support is so so important to me and once I start to derail on that schedule everything just starts to go haywire for me. So I'm having a lot of anxiety about that too.

Just needed a space to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening.