Thank you too for the kind words & the links too of course. I can't do online groups if they use voice (I forgot to say that it needs to be all in writing, not voice) so I skipped that one (looked briefly). I looked at the WRAP page, I find this interesting:

"When Things are Breaking Down – List signs that let you know you are feeling much worse, like feeling sad all the time, or are hearing voices. Using your Wellness Toolbox, develop a powerful action plan to help you feel better as quickly as possible and prevent an even more difficult time.

Crisis Plan – Identify signs that let others know they need to take over responsibility for your care and decision making. Outline a plan for who you want to take over and support you through this time, healthcare, staying home, things others can do to help and things they might choose to do that would not be helpful. This kind of proactive advanced planning keeps you in control even when it seems like things are out of control. Visit the WRAP Info Center’s Crisis Planning Page."

This seems like, I have a crisis almost every day, after I get up in the morning, I start breaking down and into the crisis, or maybe the same crisis continues in the morning, after the previous day (if I'm lucky, then by the end of the previous day I was a bit better, if not then not).

I am not sure what I do with that if that's true....or if it's even realistic to want to take steps to do things if this is true. I don't know, is this making sense to you?

(I am going to read up on this WRAP stuff more, this is just what I looked at so far. I will be very interested in figuring out how to stop breaking down too much, yet not avoid and ignore my bad emotions because too much distraction and numbness is no good either....)

(Also: the below part is just me thinking out loud trying to figure out this steps thing. If I can feel like people are listening or reading it helps me think out loud, when I cannot think and figure out anything otherwise. But if this is too long or too negative for the thread...just tell me please)

I was thinking again that it would be nice if I could get as far as taking the step of telling my mother to ask me again if I'm going to try and work. I actually got as far lately as discussing with her to ask me to see if that helps me get out of my head where I fall so deep down, but when we tried it didn't help. ... So I tried this instead, I told her I was going to tell her when I'm starting and she can ask 1 hour later how well I managed to work. This was going to be my goal yesterday (it is past midnight now). But I fell too deep in my head and never got as far as telling her that "I'm starting now"... oh being deep in my head often just means I find some distraction from the horrible feelings but in the last few days I was working hard on NOT doing any distraction - it's been horrible and I could not do anything beyond trying to survive the horrible state. Maybe that is an actual step taken though. It did help when I got on this site and talked to people on the chat room (the chat room for emotional talk). After that no more of the horrible state for about one day or so. But I fell into it again yesterday (Sunday). I mean, yesterday I again did not do distraction, and was not feeling THAT extremely horrible like when I got on the chat here on Friday, but it was still very bad. So I was too deep in my head and couldn't get as far as telling my mother the above. I wanted to tell her at 5:30pm but then I just felt horrible and felt I was falling deeper and deeper in my head so I didn't tell her. When she went out at 6:30pm, I did work 11 minutes after that because I realised I was feeling even worse not having done anything/not having told her that I'm starting/and not having started. Somehow I had the energy to want to feel better. So I did work a little, I told myself it only has to be a little. That is something I only recently was able to accept. That I can maybe only do a little at a time without feeling too bad or drained from it. That did help me feel a little better!!, then I took a little rest and wanted to reward myself, but then I again had a bad moment coming up instead of fully enjoying myself, it was a really bad moment and it left me really tense and uneasy, so I again quit trying to start on work. Then I had dinner and finished a nice book, and relaxed slowly from the uneasiness. A couple hours later I tried to start again on work but I just fell really deep and then tried to get through that and I finally got good enough to get up and check this forum and post here. (I have to feel good enough to be able to come here)

So that is how the day went. I did also go and train (jog 15 minutes), that was a good part of the day. And I did get up early after a normal night's sleep. The day before was more of a success though, I travelled to another city and actually enjoyed working a little on the train for a change. That was the success part. I also read a book that I enjoyed. Finished the other one last night actually. (It is an improvement for me too, being able to read again & enjoy it. I couldn't for years)

I don't know, one thing that makes this really hard for me to create steps and then do the steps is that it's hard to even identify the actually workable steps. I mean, for my emotional or psychological well-being. It is easy to break down the morning routine into steps (steps for dressing up, breakfast etc), but with vague things like emotions, psychological well-being, I have a hard time seeing the steps for that. And then my lack of well-being gets in the way of doing more complex things like work or often gets in the way of simpler things too. (I'll see if WRAP helps with that)

So it's like I had steps in mind like, "start working at 9am (after breakfast)", or if I tried to tone down that step, then it would be "start trying to work at 9am (after breakfast)" or if I tried to tone it down even more (since all that would fail) it would be like "start trying to think of working after whenever I managed to eat breakfast (like, after having a normal night's sleep, getting up in time, dressing up.... or maybe not a full night's sleep, but some start to the day at least)".

I hope that makes sense. Let me know. If you think my issues are too big for me to even consider threads or groups like this one you have here, feel free to let me know about that too. I don't know, I've been doing my remote work for over 3 years by now, I'm just getting burned out because of how chaotic I've been having to do it (i.e. at night, pulling allnighters because I can feel better at night...or in worse cases maybe staying up all night before Icould feel good enough, then I'd start the work in the morning without sleep. Etc. I've burned out over this).

So it's not like I've been completely inactive or passive, but I'd just like a stable life and not continual crisis but a stable day, with a simple daily schedule, sleep at night, breakfast, some work, some rest, lunch, a little training, maybe a little more work, dinner, rest, relaxation, sleep... This would already be great for me now.

I'm coming from, having run races very fast, running a pretty fast marathon too in the past, to wanting to just do jogging 15 minutes, 3 times a week. I do it maybe once a week now, I did it last afternoon actually, but I couldn't for a couple of weeks before yesterday. Or, I used to have a good well-paying business, now I do the part-time remote work that pays way less per the hour. It is okay, I'm not complaining, just saying where I come from. So that is what I mean by, I'd be happy with something simple but stable where I'm able to do this without too much suffering. I am not looking at high ambitions for now.

I am sorry if this got long, I am just trying to figure out if I can even do this now as it is. Does this make sense?

I really really want some interaction or partner or group though where I could do something so I'm not just in my head. So even if I'm feeling worse than maybe most of you do on here, I don't know, I still want to do this part (have&do simple and actual and regularly done steps for goals).

Again, a daily goal now could have been, talk to my mother in the morning after breakfast... but I am having to stay up tonight because I couldn't talk to her last morning/afternoon so I have to stay up now and work a bit. And I couldn't start, I felt too bad. But at least I did no distraction, and writing this post also makes me feel like I am a bit better and can try and do the work now.

Anyway the daily goal is not going to be that for now, or I have to modify it. I will have to get up early to get a phone call done with her help, and then if I can survive without sleeping until the afternoon, I could ask her right after the phone call. And then based on that, do a little work. Then I could allow myself to catch up on the missing sleep, and then ask her again. Yes, I'd be glad if I could do this tomorrow. Assuming of course that I can finish my work fast enough tonight (so that I don't skip too much sleep).

Sorry if this is all over the place. I'm too tired to reorganise it. I need to do that work ASAP and then sleep.



PS: I realise the daily schedule I wrote down...it includes no human interaction, but the relaxation part can include it, except I lost all my IRL friends and I purposefully (and quite gradually...) quit all online talks with the online friends I had, because I knew it was just a distraction, not real relationships. So what is left is maybe spend some time with family members. That's not a lot, it's something though. I can't really talk to them though about the issues, only a little sometimes.