God... So I lost this very important relationship - not romantic but it was lost in the wake of a romantic one going real bad traumatic. So I actually lost TWO. Two people I felt the most about ever (other than family). And it's like, I cut them off, but it feels like I lost them because I felt forced to cut them off.

And I don't know how I can move on. I have been processing all this for the last 3 years. I made more sense of what happened. Bad things happened yeah. Very bad ones. Nevermind that part though. It's all in the past.. Eventually I just wanted to be like, I wanted to just focus on myself and turn my back to these people in my past and I noticed this one thing. Is where I am mystified. And it seems to be important!!


So. I've processed enough so that now whenever I am able to turn my back on these people I DO gain energy, vitality, everything, I FEEL like MY OLD SELF. It is awesome.

But it does not last long. It's like I get pulled back in the past real fast with these people. It's like they sucked away so much of my energy, they were vampires in this way, and so it's really hard to get my energy back, get my energy released and regained. And this is why I can't move on from the past. It's as if they installed a hook/worm in my deep subconscious and it holds me back

And then I keep doubting if maybe I should reopen my relationship (the non-romantic one at least) and keep thinking about them and keep caring and keep feeling the old emotions and everything and my attention is sucked in again about them. Just like how it got sucked in back then too (and yes they both manipulated me to achieve that)



Does this make sense to anyone??

How do I move on and regain my energy fully??

Thanks so much for any input.




PS: I will add, this isn't helping: they left a void ofc. And I couldn't find new people to fill it in with, because as a result of all the above, I lost all my energy to find new people. So obviously I have to recover enough first, like rebuild myself, my life, the basics of it, and then I can get to know new people. So the solution for now isn't simply filling in the void, I don't think