I am a bisexual cis woman. My boyfriend is a bisexual (more like pansexual) cis man. I’ve been dating this guy for more than a year. He’s sweet, smart and caring. We like basically the same things in everything. We like the same movies, the same books, the same animes. We said more than one time that we really understand each other, because it’s almost like we are the same person, or at least similar.

But sometimes I felt overwhelmed by this, because when we discuss, when I get angry for something or he gets angry, he always tells me “I’m like you, I know you! I understand what you mean”, but this makes me feel suffocated, because I'm angry because he can’t understand me for something, but he tells me he actually does. We’ve had lots of ups and downs, especially after COVID and quarantine. We also broke up in summer but then we got together again because we missed each other a lot.

And even though at the beginning I said I’m cis, I never really considered this as true. I’m almost 19 and I’ve been thinking about transexuality or non-binary(ism) for years.

Days ago I had a dream where I was a trans man and people called me Anthony, a name I chose some years ago (I was known by some people on the internet with this name).

After the dream, when me and my boyfriend saw each other, I was uncomfortable, and quite sad. We kissed and stayed in bed a bit, but when I was near him and he was touching my hips or parts of my body, I got more and more tense. Until the moment I got away and freaked out because he kept telling me what was wrong. I don’t know why, I automatically did it and regretted it instantly. He kind of freaked out too, not knowing if it was his fault or if it was a problem of mine. After that, to make him calm down too, I told him about my dream, about my questions and problems. He calmly listened to me, and after I finished, he said he would’ve supported me anyway and he suggested I should see a psychologist or a psychiatrist, even because of depression.

After that, some days after, he talked to me about his problem. He said that a friend of his put makeup on him. And he said he liked it, he said that when he was little he liked to wear his mother and sister’s clothes. And, at the end, he said that he should see a psychologist too.

Now, from a total egoistical point of view, I feel drained, I feel exhausted. I don’t know if I have the strength to support both of us. I don't know if he can support both of us too. I’m very egoistic and I know that, but everytime we both share something, I feel like instead of better understanding each other, we’re adding more problems to ourselves. Like when we talked about depression, or bisexuality. Or now, being trans.

I don’t really know if we can understand and help each other... but I also know that if we didn’t have each other, no one surely wouldn’t truly understand us.

I feel like crap for thinking all these things, but I also feel really drained. Thanks to the people who are reading this. I appreciate it a lot