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Dec 14, 2020, 10:39 PM
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Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Davis Love
I've gone manic three times. All three times I was 100% certain I was connected to God. (I was raised without organized religion.) All three times I ended up in handcuffs and taken to a psychiatric institute.
I will always believe I was with God, because I believe we are always with God, and God is always with/within us. When manic, for me, it's an ego-death, which is why I feel God. Without the ego, I am One with the soul/God.
Now that I'm stable, I want to connect with God without the mania and the psych ward. Sometimes when I'm naturally happy, I get anxiety - as I connect happiness with God, then I connect God with getting locked up.
Anyone else struggle with this?
Davis
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In a word: Yes.
I feel that there is God energy with me all the time. When I'm manic it seems, or it is, that God is inside of me and is directing my actions. By that I mean God and I are in agreement. We're in an equal exchange. I have a responsibility to do *whatever* it is that God wants me to do.
A big issue is that God, while separate from "bad" forces, can start a kind-of competition with bad, or even evil, forces. That's extremely frightening to me. I don't know what it means, whether it's real, or not. I suspect it's real, but then I also think those thoughts might tend to be in the realm of psychotic. Medication doesn't really stop those thoughts, though...or maybe I'm remembering them from a previous time, and meds don't stop the memory.
When I'm not manic, however...I feel that there is a Universal God, but that It's not so personal. I'm more on my own, more responsible for the actions I take because they are almost solely my decisions.
All in all, I am left feeling confused and depressed. The reason is because if I feel God the strongest when I am manic or somewhat psychotic, does that mean that God really exists for me? Because if It does, why is It most powerful when I'm unstable?
So, yeah. The entire thing becomes a hairball. And of course, I have no answers.
btw, I was raised in a Jewish family, but had strong influences of Hinduism, Catholicism, and later studied Buddhism, quite intensely. My husband, however, is Methodist. So lots of religious/spiritual input there.
I seldom (if ever) tell anyone about God, even when I'm manic, because I know they'll just say I'm psychotic. I might have mentioned it to my pdoc and therapist, because I do trust both of them. But certainly no one else.
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