Hi Alive. Please unburden yourself. I'll pick through your thoughts to find the questions and your strengths.
This seems like, I have a crisis almost every day, after I get up in the morning, I start breaking down and into the crisis, or maybe the same crisis continues in the morning, after the previous day (if I'm lucky, then by the end of the previous day I was a bit better, if not then not).
I am not sure what I do with that if that's true....or if it's even realistic to want to take steps to do things if this is true. I don't know, is this making sense to you?
I think I get it. Carry on. …
STEP: I was thinking again that it would be nice if I could get as far as taking the step of telling my mother to ask me again if I'm going to try and work.
I actually got as far lately as discussing with her to ask me to see if that helps me get out of my head where I fall so deep down, but when we tried it didn't help. ... So I tried this instead, I told her I was going to tell her when I'm starting and she can ask 1 hour later how well I managed to work. This was going to be my goal yesterday (it is past midnight now). But I fell too deep in my head and never got as far as telling her that "I'm starting now"... oh being deep in my head often just means I find some distraction from the horrible feelings but in the last few days I was working hard on NOT doing any distraction -
… it's been horrible and I could not do anything beyond trying to survive the horrible state. Maybe that is an actual step taken though.
Yes, a win.
It did help when I got on this site and talked to people on the chat room (the chat room for emotional talk). After that no more of the horrible state for about one day or so.
WHOA. Chats? Why not? This could be a fantastic idea, no? There’s got to be a chat going on somewhere around the clock.
Somehow I had the energy to want to feel better. So I did work a little, I told myself it only has to be a little. That is something I only recently was able to accept. That I can maybe only do a little at a time without feeling too bad or drained from it. That did help me feel a little better!!, …
(I have to feel good enough to be able to come here)
This may related to your thread question. Maybe search out a thread close to this experience.
So that is how the day went. I did also go and train (jog 15 minutes), that was a good part of the day.
STRENGTH: Exercise. Motivation.
I travelled to another city and actually enjoyed working a little on the train for a change. That was the success part. I also read a book that I enjoyed. Finished the other one last night actually. (It is an improvement for me too, being able to read again & enjoy it. I couldn't for years)
STRENGTH: Returning to Reading.
I don't know, one thing that makes this really hard for me to create steps and then do the steps is that it's hard to even identify the actually workable steps. I mean, for my emotional or psychological well-being. It is easy to break down the morning routine into steps (steps for dressing up, breakfast etc), but with vague things like emotions, psychological well-being, I have a hard time seeing the steps for that. And then my lack of well-being gets in the way of doing more complex things like work or often gets in the way of simpler things too. (I'll see if WRAP helps with that)
You ran a string of GOAL STATEMENTs:
** I'd just like a stable life and not continual crisis but a stable day, with a simple daily schedule, sleep at night, breakfast, some work, some rest, lunch, a little training, maybe a little more work, dinner, rest, relaxation, sleep... This would already be great for me now.
** I'd be happy with something simple but stable where I'm able to do this without too much suffering. I am not looking at high ambitions for now.
** I really really want some interaction or partner or group though where I could do something so I'm not just in my head.
I'm sensing YOU. Send us a small set of goals, whenever.
Revu2